you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
