I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
