great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Randomize
