then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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