Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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