she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
