then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
