you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
