end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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