can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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