I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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