The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
