My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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