K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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