I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You did what with his pubic hair?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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