i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
