in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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