Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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