There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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