seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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