I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
