i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
