Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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