I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
