I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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