my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
