I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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