I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
