they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
