And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
