Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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