i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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