I molested 6 butterflies tonight
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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