I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
