Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Randomize
