Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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