I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
