Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
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He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
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Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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