She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
