8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
