A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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