My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
