I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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