Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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