just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
