you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
