I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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