remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
