Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
