you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
