Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
