He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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