The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
