So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
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bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
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