I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
