quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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