Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
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