everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
organizing the empties. That sober.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
