Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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