My room smells like vodka and shame
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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