I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
